A couple of weeks ago, my wife Kate and I celebrated the one year anniversary of a very special trip to New York City. In March 2012 Kate and I went with our neighbors, Charlie Robin and Al Fischer, to New York City. Kate nor I had been to New York before and we were excited to see the sights, but we were there for so much more. We were invited by our friends to celebrate their twentieth anniversary by participating in their wedding in Central Park.
Some people refuse to recognize the love these two share for one another and want to refuse them the rights of marriage. Some of these people are OK with Charlie and Al, as long as they remain “partners,” maybe being OK with a civil union, or for those uncomfortable with even that, just “good friends.” Those that would refuse Al and Charlie the right to marry, cannot bear the thought of them using the terms “married” or “husband.” The words we use to talk about same sex couples, the way Charlie and Al are identified as “partners” or “good friends” got me thinking. You see “partner” or “good friend” does not do justice to the life and relationship that Al and Charlie share. They are more than good friends, who like to hang out on the weekends. They are more than partners, engaged in some contractual obligations.
The 20 years they have spent together is proof that they are more, and they deserve to be recognized as more to one another. Their relationship is more than a good friendship, more than a contractual obligation. From March 9, 2012 onward, we and the state of New York, recognized this relationship as a marriage and Charlie and Al as husbands.
Marriage is more than a piece paper, more than a contract, more than a governmental stamp of approval, more than a religious ceremony. Marriage is a covenant between two people with God in the midst of it all. A covenant is not a contract, a contract asks, “What can I get out of this relationship?” a covenant asks “What can I give to this relationship?” A contract looks out for the self, a covenant looks out for the other. Before March 9, 2012 Charlie and Al were committed to one another, but now they are covenanted to one another. They invited God into their relationship and promised to give themselves entirely to one another.
This selfless and self-giving love that Charlie and Al have promised themselves to, is an example of the love that Christ calls the Church into. Their life together and their promises are a witness to the love God has shown us in Jesus Christ. I say this because when we are free to give ourselves completely to another in marriage, we become freer to give ourselves to our neighbors. Marriage does not shield us from the world, but calls us out into the world. When supported and loved by another we are more likely to support and love those around us.
Charlie and Al are wonderful examples of this. Their love for one another has allowed them to grow in their love for others. I see this every time they come to my house to share a hug with my kids, just so the little ones all know that they are loved and adored. I witness this in the many friends and family welcomed into their home, and I am in awe as I write this remembering all of those in attendance who have been embraced by these two wonderful, loving men.
photo by Michael Appleton for The New York Times
It was supposed to be a simple, quiet ceremony with me as the officiant and Kate as the witness, but things changed quickly when Al lost two jobs over this celebration of Charlie and Al’s commitment and love for one another. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch ran a story that was picked up by the Washington Post and the New York Times. The simple expression of love that was planned became a full on production. On March 9, 2012, a cold and windy afternoon, Charlie and Al were married, with me and Kate, a few of their friends from New York, curious onlookers, and several members of the media (including a New York Times reporter and photographer), in attendance. It was a wonderful day.
The promises Al and Charlie made one year ago to celebrate their 20 years together, won't change the way many of us look at them, but I know it will change the way Charlie and Al look at one another, talk about one another, and experience one another. Before they had made a commitment, now they are in covenant. Before it was Charlie and Al, but with these promises they invite God into their relationship. And that changes everything.
